Funny and true thoughts that I thought I’d share with you this Thursday morning. I’m not sure who the author is so if anyone knows, get at me. Enjoy…

1) More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3) I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

4) Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5) That’s enough, Nickelback.

6) I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

7) The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

9)There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10) Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

11) I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

12) The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

13) How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14) I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15) I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16) The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

17) A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18) Was learning cursive really necessary?

19) Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

20) I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21) Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22) My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

23) Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

24) How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

25) I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26) Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

27) What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28) While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

29) MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30) Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31) I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32) Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33) I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

34) I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

35) Bad decisions make good stories

36) Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

37) Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

38) If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

39) Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

40) You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

41) Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

42) There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

43) I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

44) “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

45) I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

46) While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

47) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

48) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

49) When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

50) I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

51) Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

52) As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

53) Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

54) It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

55) I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

56) I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

57) Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

58) Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

59) My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

60) It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

61) I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

62) I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

63) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Ok, not sure what the hell is going on here or who’s idea this was but this has got to stop. I’m not sure if I should blame the producer or the engineer. Am I alone on this one??

Stream

Little Boots flips Kid Cudi’s “Day N Nite”. At first, I was on the floor lmao….but after a couple of listens I realized that this is hot! Better than the original even. I just wish she would’ve threw in the “what! what!”

This is dope, I’m sold. I would buy a Nintendo Wii just for this. P.s. My birthday is on the way…kinda

- Designed for regular use with the Nintendo Wii and for the three Dimensional interaction concept of Wii Spray.

- A real add-on for the Wii, just plug the Wii Remote in the Wii Spray Can and start!

- Buttonless design, easy use for left-and-right-handed persons. Wii Spray uses an input interface similar to the Montana donut system.

- Pressure sensitive valve, up to 128 Values.

- Up to 128 different caps -inexpensive technology (less than 40 cent) and build to resist!

- Interactive color display with the possibillity to show the color level in six steps! just in case…

USB port for charging the battery and load the latest firmware.

the Wii Spray 2nd edition controller is able to sense its distance to the wall you are spraying on.

…..no comment.

Wow!!!….I am willing to bet this dude will have a record deal by Spring ’09. This cat is pretty sick and you can tell he is hungry…it’s a breath of fresh air to see hungry creative artists. Word on the net is that his name is Red and he’s homeless. Hell, I may go down to Hollywood and see if I can find him myself….think I’m playin?

Ok, I haven’t laughed this hard since the Lady Sucker Punch video…watch till the end. Shout out to Freddy for the link.

The good people over at ItsTheReal bring us another funny ass video in regards to Brooklyn. My two favorite lines from this vid:

“My smedium hoodie is kinda dope”

“I bought this Arab money scarf with my American dollars”

This has to be one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in awhile. I hope all auto-tune artists are paying close attention…

Nothing brightens my day more than a Dylan joke except for one thing…Dylan himself. Mr. Dylan returns from the dead with a swagger like us freestyle (hey, everyone else is doing it). I’ll give $100 to the first nerd that can tell me how many times he says “hot fiyah” in this video…just kidding, I won’t give you a $100 but I will consider you a loyal reader (air daps).

“Nas was never on my level ever. Ever.“

I have no comment on this one my nerds….I….I…..just don’t know what the world is coming to anymore (sigh).

If this ain’t the funniest ish I’ve ever seen in my life then I don’t know what is. Word on the web is that this isn’t a real cover, but whoever came up with this is a genius and is winning worst album cover contests left and right.

So I’ve heard about this whole bleaching thing here and there, but I didn’t realize it was out of control like this. I love my Jamaican people but c’mon….put the bleach down! I thought we were passed the days of dark skin people wanting to be light skin. As a matter of fact, I thought dark skin has been “in” ever since Wesley Snipes first came on the scene. What irony….caucasians with the tanning phenomenon and blacks bleaching……go figure. All jokes aside though, we really need to break the slave/master mentality of thinking. And that goes for black, brown, white, yellow, puple……..everybody. That’s my positive rant for the day, I’m out like trout.

I’m not sure where Nike is going with this, or maybe I’m just out of the loop. Check out these retro air jordans….as you can see they have replaced the laces with velcro. As of right now there is no release date and hopefully there will never be one. Yea….umm….

This has to be one of the funniest videos I’ve seen since Lady Sucker Punch. This should be a wake up call to all the chain snatching videos we have been seeing as of lately (which I never post because they’re too ignorant). “This isn’t a game, it’s a movement!!”

Hahahahaha…..me and the homie Wiz was speaking on this one a couple weeks ago. One of my favorite worst lines of all time. Actually with lines like this, I understand why people assume that all rappers are ignorant. This one is from ‘Get ‘Em Girls’, thanks Cam.

“I get computers ‘putin.” – Cam’ron

‘Nuff said….

So I’m gonna go ahead and blame Timbaland just as much for this one for the simple fact that he was the producer. I’m not sure why he co-signed this guy for so long but thank God its over now. This is an excerpt from Luv 2 Luv U (Rmx) and probably the worst combination of words ever….

You so obsurd I thought you heard
If you don’t know, the bird is the word
Yes the bird bird bird, the bird is the word
The bird bird bird, the bird is the word